Writing tips or DON'T PANIC

Yes, I am writing, kind of you to ask. How's it going? Almost done, but, boy, did it take so much longer than I expected. Why? Here's why.

1. LOADS of amateur mistakes, mostly to do with showing off. There's a strange dynamic with being a writer. First, is ego. Afterall, you must have ego in abundance to think 'hey, read my thoughts, they're important'. You are expecting people to put aside all other activities to spend their passing hours, days, months even, dwelling on what you have to say. You may not have anything worthwhile to say, but at least, you think you do. Ego. It is important.

2. Invisibility. The writer should not be seen in the story. The complete opposite of ego. The story is paramount, this is not an excuse for you to vent your fustrations at the world. This is usually spotted at submissions stage, so if you want to write a story about, I don't know, someone a lot like you who does a job a lot like yours (never appreciated enough, of course) and wakes up one morning in their messy bedroom and decides to CHANGE THEIR LIVES, then stop right now. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't take aspects of your life (in fact, it's crucial that you should) but give it that glamour, illusionary twist. Twilight is a perfect example. Bella is the wish fufillment fantasy of Stephenie Meyer, and that is why she's been so successful, but her honesty she's tapped the wish-fulfillmet fantasys of millions. She's not updated Romeo and Juliet, she's updated Cinderella. But with glamourous vampires, centuries old wars, werewolves and sacrifice.
Do not underestimate this. Whatever else is said of Meyer, she writes honestly. In writing there's no higher ambition. Lies are for advertising. Be honest. Be invisible.

Where was I?

3. Research. Oh Lord, this is a nightmare. You really can overdo it. I think it's my biggest fault. I've spent years researching my latest project (1995 I think was when the idea first came to me) and the problem is I feel the need to put everything down into the manuscript. Mistake. Instead of making it clearer, you only make it more confusing, plus, you're showing off how clever you are (another big fault of mine, it's common amongst eldest children). But thankfully that's what agents are for. To tell you to CLARIFY/SIMPLIFY/CLARIFY/SIMPLIFY and repeat until finished.

4. And procrastination. Instead of writing I'm busy on things like Facebook, Twitter and blogs.

Death defying ACTS!

On Saturday 23rd October we'll be celebrating the SECOND Crystal Palace Children's Book Festival and it'll have a strong Halloween slant.
The Chainsaw Gang will be there in our hordes, that's to say there'll be seven of us (rather magnificent, don't you think?) so you'll have Alex Milway, Alex Bell, Alexander Gordon Smith, Sam Enthoven, Jon Mayhew, Steve Feasey and myself. So if you're interested in anything from yetis to werewolves, from demonic prisons to er, more werewolves, then Crystal Palace is the place to be!
Those outside of London, fret not!
The Chainsaw will be in sunny Norwich and even more sunny Richmond soon enough!
In the next couple of weeks there'll be a lot of activity and a BIG competition being run across the members of the gang. We'll be discussing the market value of souls during a recession, how best to cook fellow authors and the baddest of the bad.
But it all kicks off at Crystal Palace. Check out the website and do make sure you book your (free) ticket to the Chainsaw Chit-Chat at the library in the afternoon. And make doubly sure you visit Bookseller Crow, the ultra-cool and moody bookshop that's the heart of the day's events. Tell Jonathan I sent you.

I am a Geek, hear me SQUEAK!

Oh you mock, but we rule the world now.
Evidence?
Well, just look at what's on at the movies. Scott Pilgrim v. the World (geek defeats Superman AND Captain America!), Kick Ass (geek gets to, er, KICK ASS and gets the high-school hottie while everyone thinks he's gay, double result, even TRIPLE!!!), then we've got the new movie about Facebook and a whole, whole load of superhero movies which are written, produced and directed by geeks. And absolutely RULING the box-office.
This is a geek world. You just live in it.
Alas, geekness wasn't such a valuable and subversively cool commodity when I was at my most geek, or geek-peak as I like to call it. I collected comics. I stayed indoors playing Dungeons and Dragons when the cool kids were behind the bike-sheds doing whatever happened behind the bike sheds. Fixing bikes, maybe, I don't know. My first girlfriend was an uber-geek (she got a first at Imperial in Mechanical Engineering, there is nothing more geek) and frankly, we were so geek that we just hung out at the library and did, like, tutorials (until she dumped me for dragging her grades down). I did that clumsy side-ways two-set dance of the truly uncoordinated. You know the one, sort of head-banging while stepping to the left then back to the right, arms ridgedly stuck to my sides.
So, I would like to take this moment to celebrate the geeks of the world.
1. Clark Kent. Yes, geek wish-fufillment at its purest.
2. Billi Gates. Is a geek. Rules the world. Nuff said.
3. Scott Pilgrim. I loved this film so much I got a guitar. Oh how I wish I was that scrawny now!
4. Sherlock Holmes (obviously not the Robert Downey Junior version, who is very un-geek to his core).He prefers doing cross-words to getting the girl. That's geek.
5. Gary Gygax. The inventor of the Dungeons and Dragons game and the roleplaying industry in general. He has inspired the entire generation of writers of fantasy, YA lit, the whole she-bang. His influence cannot be measured. We'd still be living in huts probably, if it wasn't for him.

The greatest children's book EVAH!!

Yes, the Hobbit. I cannot emphasise it's awesomeness enough. One measure of a great book is how many times you've re-read it. The Hobbit has been a major influence in my life and, I suspect, is the reason I write fantasy.

It was read to me at primary school and at first I thought it was really REAL, and if I crept quietly and kept careful watch, I might find or see a hobbit, since the entire book has that depth, ranging from Bilbo's family history and the detailed geography (which goes well and beyond the call of duty and makes me marvel how deep Tolkien's imagination was, to build a world where every river was mapped and every part of the terrain planned. What did he see through his mind's eye? Wow.)

I can remember the teacher reading that opening chapter and we're talking about 35 years ago, give or take.

I don't know how many times I've read it since. I read it to my wife during those mid-night and before dawn feeds of our first baby and now, that baby is a nine year old girl and there's nothing I look forward to more than reading her a chapter a night and seeing her eyes become light and distant as she walks the road to the Lonely Mountain with Bilbo and the dwarves.

The book has impact, I can see it. There's few things I remember from 35 years ago with such profound clarity. No tune. No telly programme or picture. Just a book about a hobbit.

I wonder about the hobbit in all of us. I strongly believe that's why we love it so much. We're not the Gandalfs and Aragons or Legolas's of our tales (much as we'd like to be Legolas, elves are just plain cool). We know we're the heroes of our own tales but we're heroes reluctantly. Our heroism is of small scale. Deep down we know we're not going to change the world. Look at those real life 'heroes' who do set out to change the world.

For the better? Be happy you don't make it worse.

We're Bilbo, dreaming of a warm breakfast in our comfortable hobbit-hole (Oh God, how much I want to live in a hobbit hole just like Bilbo's!) while we deal with fear, uncertainty and a vast, unknown future. This is what we are as children and what we are as adults(even more so, as we no longer have Gandalf to guide us). En-route to our Lonely Mountain.