Alas, I couldn't find an image of a bottle of Marmite ANYWHERE, so, completely BY RANDOM, I found this action-packed image by one of my favourite comic heroes, Frank Miller. I've NO IDEA what it is about, but I'm sure it's an intelligent, thoughtful and non-bigotted and even-handed debate about the so-called 'clash of civilization' we've been hearing so much about since, oh, September 2001.
But I'm here today to talk about Marmite. For those of you who don't know what it is, I can't be bothered to explain it to you, because explaining and understanding takes too long and is hard, but all you need to know is it's VILE and I HATE it.
Okay, if you must know, its a vegetable yeast extract. Vegetarians love it. Now I'm not prejudiced against vegetarians, and some of my best friends are vegetarians, but, I just want to say do you know who else was a vegetarian?
But this is not a rant about vegetarians, it's a rant about Marmite.
But millions of people in the world love Marmite. They have it as their favourite thing EVAH. They have it in the morning, the moment they get up. They snack on it during the day and even at night. My gosh, like FIVE times a day, easy. You kind of wonder what else they can be doing with their lives, wasting so much of it on Marmite.
I don't know who invented it, maybe some guy out in the middle of the desert because that's where all the crazy ideas come from, don't you agree? Anyway, it gets invented. I bet even his wife thought it a bit odd, but she came on board and soon there were a handful of other Marmaite lovers.
Now, can you believe it, it's GLOBAL.
How can so many people be so INSANE? Marmite is disgusting! It's been banned in some countries, but that just drives it underground (I myslef, so my shame, have smuggled in pots for friends abroad who've been converted to the stuff, but because I love them, I do it). Governments are waking up to the evil of Marmite, but I don't think it's a war that can ever be one. If only there was a way of recognising Marmite lovers, then it might be easier. You know, we could get them to wear special badges, or round them up and get them to live in certain areas so we could keep an eye on them and make sure they don't spread their vile Marmite love. Surely we have a duty to protect our children from Marmite?
I say this as a concerned parent who, sadly, has lost his own two young ones to Marmite. I married a Marmite lover. I admit it. I thought she would keep her Marmite love to herself, but she INDOCTRINATED them into loving Marmite when they were very small and impressionable. How evil is that, feeding Marmite to defenceless babies! Now, it's too late. But, it made me realise, that Marmite lovers aren't that different from me, afterall. I know my kids, they're just like everyone elses kids (though by far more talented and pretty and all that and they sure tidy their rooms in the morning. Not.).
It's made me realise that I shouldn't fear Marmite. It's out there. It appeals to millions. Some good, some bad. It's certianly not to everyone's taste, but then what is?