First love and other tales of horror

The horror. The horror. It was at a Halloween party many many years ago that I had my first 'Bella meets Edward' crush. The sort where you obsess about the target of your affection, you can't sleep, you feel sick and flustered and frankly can't do anything but act a total monkey on acid whenever they're near. You wonder how on earth they, who are Aphrodite/Apollo in the flesh will ever notice you, who feel like a Caliban, club-footed and whose face is hosting an acne convention of global proportions.

I know what you're saying to yourselves. You're saying, 'Hey, how can Sarwat, that most god-like of men, have even felt anything less than totally divine at all times and under all circumstances?"

(Okay, you may not have actually said it, but I'm sure you were thinking it very, very hard).

Nope, it's true. I too have suffered in the arena of luurve.

There's the old chestnut which is 'Just be yourself' which is fine if you're Robert Pattinson, not so fine if you're like, anyone else on the planet. But not being yourself means you end up acting like a pillock, which isn't very helpful either.

Be honest? Hmm. I'm not so sure how "I love you and want to have your babies," would have worked as a chat up line.

So, love and horror. It's kind of the same in my book. The same gut-churning, the same sweaty, broken nights, the same waking at 4am screaming in terror and shouting "Why, dear God, why?".

Well, it came to pass, or it didn't actually. She went out with someone else, who though much more handsome, and richer, and with better teeth and smoother skin and a nickname that threw up all sorts of very complimentary imagery (unless you were a bloke) I at least liked to believe was shallow and superficial, so I won on personality (yes, I know. Great. Like that made me feel so much better). Alas, I reacted the only way I knew how. By being petty and not a little bitter.

Something very similar happened when I met the person who eventually became my wife. The same anxieties, fears and doubts. I had matured (very slightly, maturity isn't one of my strong points) and I did use the 'I love you and want to have your babies' line if not immediately, still rather too early on in our relationship.

So, as you dress up as ghosts and ghouls tonight and head out, wherever you are, for a spot of trick or treating, remember real horror comes from the heart. And hormones.