Monday, 4 October 2010

How much do you earn?

This is something that I think confuses everyone, are writers rich or not? Is it a career worth pursuing or should you stick with being a window-cleaner, like your mother wanted?
So, I've managed to nick the TOP SECRET publishing document used by agents and publishers to work out how much they should offer you as an advance on your next book. It's only a rough version (all I was able to photocopy from the office before the security guards chased me out) but should give you a ball-park figure of what you can expect to earn.
1. Does your book involve vampires? Lose $10,000.
2. Does your book involve zombies? Add $10,000.
3. What about angels (but you'll have to be quick as their value is dropping daily)? Add $12,000 this week, losing $1,000 per week hereafter.
4. Knights Templar? Lose $50,000 and put that pen down before you destroy the publishing industry!
5. Have you or any of your characters ever been naked on telly? Add $100,000.
6. Does your book contain a character who's first name is Harry? Add £500,000.
7. Is his surname Potter? Add another $5,000,000.
8. Is YOUR surname Meyer? Add $1,000,000.
9. Have you ever been arrested or shot at? Add $20,000 (a certain notoriety goes a long way but PLEASE OH PLEASE don't now head over to Afghanistan/Iraq/South Central based on this document!).
10. Finally, have you had any personal experience with space aliens (aliens are HOT HOT HOT!)? Add $100,000.
So, based on the above table, the best thing to write is a blockbusting paranormal sci-fi adventure featuring a space alien called Harry Potter, fighting a world of zombies with an angel girlfriend which you'll write while in prison after having be arrested for running naked through Prime Minister's question time.


kathryn evans said...

Lollity lol - I think I made £1400 from writing last year - let's face it, we'd have starved.

N. R. Williams said...

LOL...Sarwat. I do believe however, that my husband, a trucker and gone for a week at a time, may have been abducted by aliens and is now a clone.
N. R Williams, fantasy author

Sue Hyams said...

Oh this must be post of the year! Wonderful!

Candy Gourlay said...

this is brilliant Sarwat!

Leigh said...

I could do that!
But I'm a bit busy just now ;-)

Nick Cross said...

Well, I made no money from writing last year and this year isn't looking good either. But the good news is that it looks like I'll have at least $10,000 dollars to spend eventually. Unfortunately, it won't be worth anything in the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse.

Gordy's Blog said...

Awesome post, so funny! (And so true!)