Hello from Ash Mistry (aged 13.5)

Ash Mistry, age 13 (but almost 14!)
Appearance
Well, that’s a bit difficult. Until the summer hols I would say I was slightly above average in weight, slightly below average in physical coordination, courage and in general acts of extreme and suicidal heroism.
THEN after the summer hols (which you will be able to read about VERY SOON) and following a strict diet of violence, absolute terror and basically being hunted by demons I’ve acquired, what can be only described as ‘gaunt and frightening to look upon’ aspect. My colour has gone from a healthy and hearty brown to ‘gore-splattered.’
A bit about myself
I’m at West Dulwich High School and (unofficial) leader of the Nerd Herd. I’m a non-sporty, bookish ‘stay indoors even when the sun is shining’ kind of guy. You’ve probably stolen my lunch money at some point.
My favourite things (and not so much)
The greatest moment of my life has to be when I was the first person in our school to find the secret machine-gun armoury in the latest Assassin’s Creed game. Oh, yeah, I did also save the world from the greatest evil the universe has ever known. If you’re alive right now, that’s because of me. You can thank me later.
Sort of makes up for me being voted ‘least likely to survive a zombie apocalypse’ three years running.
My fav Dr. Who is, and forever will be, David Tennant. Now you know everything important about me.
Quote
“Is now a bad time to mention I’m risk intolerant?”

art by Mr. Murphy (great, isn't it)

Sarwat's Guide to the Gods Part One- KALI

The Black One. Goddess of death and destruction. She haunts the graveyards and dances in the ashes of the funereal pyres.
Appearance
Black-skinned and almost skeletal gaunt. She has blazing eyes, a long red tongue (all the better to lap up blood with) fangs and claws. Kali has six arms and carries weapons, a noose and the severed head of a demon. She wears a necklace of skulls and her skirt is made of severed limbs. You do not want to bump into her in an alley on a dark night.
What You Need to Know
Kali is mad, bad and oh so very dangerous to know. She is the demon killer and there are plenty of stories of all the other gods fleeing the battle-field and leaving Kali to kill absolutely everyone. Then she usually eats them. He victory dance once threatened to destroy the universe.
Her hideous appearance is all part of her charm. She is the one thing that terrifies demons so she is also the last hope for humanity. When all else has failed, you turn to Kali. But be careful, she’s as likely to destroy the world as save it.
STRENGTHS all the arts of death
WEAKNESSES completely lacking in social skills
WEAPONS all of them
ATTITUDE totally bad
RELATIONSHIPS Married to Shiva. Often depicted dancing on his corpse. Nice.
If you like Kali you’ll also like: Wearing black, jewellery made from bones, goth music.
Other Goddesses like Kali : Baba Yaga (Russian), Hecate (Greek), Morrigan (Celtic), Hel (Norse)

Badass of the Year

There were many cinematic delights in 2011. Following up from my last blog on Alpha Males heading your way in 2012 I feel the need, nay, the duty, to expand on this list, and diversify. It's not exclusively male, as any follower of my blog will know, BADASS embraces all creeds, sexes and nationalities.
So, my review of what was BADASS in 2011.
1. Hanna. Young girl skilled in all the arts of death by a psycho father. I'm not so sure that Tom Holland with a bad dye job was exactly the sort of elite assassin I'd send against Eric Bana since, lets be honest, he looked like he'd struggle up a flight of stairs while Eric Bana apparently swam the Atlantic ocean but if Billi had a sister by another mister, it would be Hanna. And we LOVE the soundtrack. Those Chemical Brothers do get around (and seem to follow Tom Holland, being in the latest Tron too. Not good.).
2. Ryan Gosling in the Driver. Ryan seems to have become a fan-girl fav of late and with those abs, why not? Have we already wearied of Taylor Lautner's wash-board stomach already? How fickle is the teen girl devotions! But deep down you know Ryan would kick Jacob's arse, don't you? Then he'd drive over him. Road-kill.
3. Conan the Barbarian. Okay, I admit it, the new movie sucked BUT it was Conan and it's a brave man who follows in the sandalled footsteps of Arnie. So, kudos to Jason Momoa for giving us brooding muscle-bound barbarian when it mattered.
4. Peter Mensah as Oenemaus out of the Spartacus series. The elegance, the wounded honour, the physique on the man who's so nearing fifty! I'm going to the gym first thing next week! Spartacus Blood and Sand and the prequel Gods of the Arena have been my guilty pleasure this year. Oh how it rocked. If my Latin lessons had been half as good as this I'd be teaching it at Oxford by now. Certainly not suitable for kids. Or nuns. Well, maybe nuns.
5. Michael Fassbender. As Magneto in X-Men First Class and in Centurion. This guy is BADASS. C'mon, that scene in the Argentinian bar? Yes, I completely agree it was a screen test for Bond. The mind salivates at the idea. Then him running bare-chested through the Hibernian snows in Centurion. It looked bloody freezing and it was (see the extras on the dvd). The man's dedicated and ripped like nothing on earth. Another reason to take up Latin, methinks.

Predictions for 2012. The return of the Alpha Male.

There's always a reason for Daniel in those blue trunks. So, that's 2011 more or less wrapped up. Phew! What a year, eh? Revolutions throughout the arab world with dictators toppling like dominoes, the EU of the verge of meltdown, the royal wedding, the UK in riot mode and Minx winning X-Factor.

Where will it all end?

No idea, but I know I'll be spending a lot of it in the company of alpha males. And so will you.

After years of the metrosexual, of the 'new-age caring sharing happy to change nappies and cries at girly-flicks' type of man-boy, I smell testosterone in the air. Times, they are a-changin'.

Of course, we'll always have Bond, the very paragon of alpha-ness, but look at Driver. Ryan Gosling is rapidly becoming a fan-girl fav, but why? He's an alpha. Hardly speaks, certainly doesn't share his emotions, handy with his hands and ruthlessly brutal, and a loner. These are not qualifications for a long term relationship!

But, my oh my, we do love him. Pwerhaps in a confusing world we all hanker for someone to come along and 'sort s**t out' with his bare hands. Simple and direct. Perhaps we're weary of negotiating, trying to do the right thing, taking charge for our own destinies.

For me, the defining alpha moment was watching the opening scene of Dr. No, when Sean Connery says the immortal 'Bond...James Bond' with an almost sneer as he lights up. Now, Sean was 28 at that time but frankly, so manly he was prehistoric. It was as if billions of years of what it is to be a man had been purified down to that defining moment, that casino and those words. Come on, you still get a little thrill when he does it, don't you?

What defines an alpha male? On the most simple level, who would you like on your side in a fight? That's the ultimate role of the alpha, to protect the group, society, pack. He accepts his role as a warrior and has no real qualms about it. He doesn't do angst.

Sex appeal. His mere presence make the other males cower and the females blush. Again, this is his function, to have many strong sons to further protect the group down the generations. Chaste he is not.

A certain elequence. He says what he means and means what he says.

He is the ultimate male-wish fulfillment fantasy, as simple as that. Since the moment one big hairy ape with good hair swung down and thwacked the tiger on the head and saved the female ape in distress and the other male apes sat around thinking 'I wish I'd been ape enough to do that'. Always was, always will be. So, my list of alpha males for 2012:

1. Daniel Craig. The new Bond movie. 'Nuff said. They say it often, but they mean it here, the best Bond since Connery. Please oh please let the next movie be like Casino Royale and not Quantum of Solace.

2. Sean Bean. Ned Stark. I know it came out this year but I still haven't seen it and this is my blog. Sean's been great for years and years and years and age has only man him more so.

3. Jon Hamm. The new series of Mad Men. Certainly at the front of the queue when God handed out 'ridiculously good-lookin''.

4. Christian Bale. He will lead the superhero brigade which is frankly gigantic in the year of Avengers. Honourable mentions to Robert Downey Junior, Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth.

5. Karl Urban as Judge Dredd. Karl is usually the best thing in whatever he does (Priest, anyone?) and he won't be taking off the helmet. Respect to the Law!