What happens if things don't go well? I've been pondering it today for various reasons, how we deal with losing, and our dreams not coming true. I caught the tail-end of a Radio 4 talk about 'Slum-dog Millionaire', a new film about a young man who lives in the slums of Mumbai and wins Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
We're conned into thinking that on a toss of a coin all our dreams can come true. Is that it? Heads I win, tails I lose? Everything?
I wonder, at what point (on a personal level) will I ever become immune to fear of failure? Does JK Rowling awake at nights sweating thinking "OMG! No-one will buy my book!"
Okay, highly unlikely, but there may be something. Her's I think will be whatever she does next, can it possibly reach the same heights as Pottermania?
If my writing career (such that it is) never takes off, would I be able to just shrug, say it was fun while it lasted, then go back to the day job?
Part of me would love to know I had the grace to do just that, but then part of me wonders if I had that attitude, where it didn't matter, what worth would my achieving anything be?
Are we're addicted to 'crash and burn' success? The image that, overnight, our world can be made glorious summer, but just as quickly become discontented winter.
This goes back to rejections. How can you not take it personally? I know I did. I expected them, but they still had an impact. Oh God, and soon I'll be faced with REVIEWS. Aargh!!
Writing is so bloody difficult. Every line is fraught with dangerous decisions, and you're stumbling through with a heady mix of creative highs and critical dread. Even if you've mapped the river you're swimming down there are rapids, deep waters, waterfalls and blind corners. Too fast you crash, too slow you sink, too much of this, not enough of that.
Sorry for a slightly rambling blog but to end I will say this: I swear, the next person who tells me they've wanted to write a book or that it must be easy being at home and just tapping at the keyboard for a living I WILL EAT THEIR LIVERS!